I know I said I never wanted to talk to you again but...

The other day I read on post on Until I Get Married entitled I Never Stopped Caring. Now this post really got to me. Now I know some of you think I’m incapable of possessing emotional ties for members of the opposite sex, but that’s just not the truth. Unbeknownst to most I have been in relationships. I will admit my relationships may be a tad bit unorthodox in nature and they generally don’t carry titles but a relationship can simply be defined as an emotional connection between people (look it up). That I have had.   

Anyhow, so the post was about how when you break up you still care about the person and you want to know about their well being.  But generally (because it’s the rules) communication tends to cease which makes it virtually impossible to keep up with one another.

My initial reaction to the post was, “man, I am so here with you.” which is so contradictory. Mainly due to the fact that I am usually the person who enforces said rules. When we break up (yes, all my unorthodox non-traditional titleless relationships have ended with break ups) I don’t want to talk to you. Quite frankly, not talking to you is a need; all ties must be severed. I need total and complete separation to move on.  So no, we can’t meet up from time to time. No, it’s ok to text me.  No, I don’t want to be your facebook friend. Do you know how intrusive fb can be? I don’t want to see your status update or look at your new pics. I don’t care what’s going on in your life and you shouldn’t care what’s going on in mine. Now, I don’t feel like this forever but I need at least a good six months (sometimes more).

But you see what happens is after this period of not needing/wanting to know about the person is over so much time has passed that communicating is awkward. Now that I have passed through all my stages of grief and communicating with you doesn’t cause me to move five steps back, so much time has passed that a random text from me just seems inappropriate. I mean I’ve spent all this time avoiding running into you, ignoring your name when it pops up on the IM, and denying your friend request that I have no clue what to say or what your response is going to be. I mean, “Hey, it’s me; yeah I know I said I never wanted to talk to you again but I’m over it now. I just wanted to see how you were doing.” Just doesn’t seem like it would go over that well. So even though I still care and I’m at the point where I can care I can’t break the rules I so adamantly enforced.  So even though I have the urge to call you up just to check in, you know tell you what’s new with me, find out what’s new with you, I just can’t. So in those brief moments when I cross your mind just know you cross mine as well. 

Hired Help

I have a part time gig through a nanny service where I’m a temporary nanny.  Generally nanny is synonymous to babysitter, which is what I normally am. You know the folks leave for a few hours; they don’t have a regular sitter so they call and I watch the kids.  Well this weekend I was a full fledge nanny.  I had a few revelations from this gig. I’m going to warn you right now that this blog is pretty random so try your best to follow along.

Revelation number 1- I am pretty uppity

This one was hard for me because I don’t really consider myself to be uppity but I really am. I mean not in a bad way to where I look down on others (well I’m sure I do that at times) but I don’t consider myself better than anyone.  A couple of things happened to make me realize this. When the lady first told me that basically I will be with her and the children during the day and that she and her husband would go out at night either after the children were in bed or shortly before I was super crunk (do ppl still say that?). So you are going to pay me to explore DC with you and your children? I’m so down! That is until it’s time to actually explore DC and it hits me, I’m the hired help. Now, the lady and her husband never treated me like hired helped; they were extremely nice and treated me like family.  And when people asked if we met in college, (b/c we’re around the same age.  More on that later) her response was, “no, she’s helping me with the kids because I just had surgery.” And it really seemed as though I was walking around with my friend and her two kids. However, since I knew I was hired help it made me feel a little uncomfortable.

The other thing that happened was in casual conversation she asked me if I had children.  Now when she asked this my face was all kinda of tore up. She was like oh ok not yet, I understand. At that point I realized my facial expression was a mess and that she misread it, which was probably the best. When she asked me that the first thing that came to mind was, “lady, do you really think I would be here with you and your kids if I had kids of my own?” However, I had to check myself because people with children watch other people’s kids every day. How dare I think it’s so above me to make that kind of sacrifice.

Revelation number 2- I’m not ready to be married and have a family

As I stated above the lady is close to my age. She’s 29 and is married with two children. We lead completely different lives. While she’s running around finding nanny’s, scheduling field trips, filling backpacks with snacks and pampers, and scheduling dinner with associates I’m watching her children, writing a blog, and looking at this basketball game. I’m sure she loves her life just as it is but I love mine too and I don’t want to trade places.

But it’s more than that. She and I were having a discussion and she was telling me how she used to be a professional classical singer and dancer. But when she had kids she had to give up that life because she didn’t think she could be a good performer and a good mom at the same time. She still performs from time to time but basically she’s a stay at home mom. Here’s the part that got me. She went on to say that she made the decision without hesitation but here she is three years later, 29 going on 30 and she has to find something to do with herself. She said she’s lost herself. She had an identity before she was a wife and a mother and she lost that. So she’s trying to find another career that is suitable to being a professional, a wife, and a mother. She went on to say she doesn’t regret the decision she made because she loves her family but she has to find the time to find herself again.  This is not somethingthat I personally I want to go through, especially not at 29. I kinda feel like the older I am I will already have some since of accomplishment so it won’t be like I’m trading something in for the other it will be like I’m starting a new chapter in my life.

Revelation number 3 – Children may not be for me

Now, I’ve been known to say I don’t know if I want kids and no one ever believes me because I have a motherly personality. Well, I’m serious. I mean I’m sure when I get married if my husband like, “have baby by me baby be a millionaire” I’m going to be like, “alright”. But I’m saying if he doesn’t say that, I’m not sure I’ll press the issue. What I am sure of is that I can’t have twins or stair step children. I’m going to need a good 2.5 to 3 years in between each child or else I’m not doing it. If I happen to get pregnant with a second or third child any sooner, I’m throwing in the towel. I quit and he’s going to have to find someone else to raise those kids because I’m just not doing it.

MYTH BUSTERS 101

Alright, so even though I vowed not to touch on this (because in my opinion it really is a non issue) I have been forced to speak on it. I attempted to be a journalist and conduct surveys and all but that is not my calling. I don’t have the patience to wait for everyone’s responses nor do I want to interpret the data so I’m just going to go off of what I believe. 

All this poor single Black female business is a ploy by the man! Lol ok not really but let’s stop and take a look at this thing. Let’s break down all the “reasons” we’re single and see how true it is.

1. There is a shortage of "educated" Black men

This may be true in reference to college educated Black men but just because they didn’t attend college doesn’t mean they are not educated. There are plenty of Black men who were in the military or went to some type of trade school. When I was searching for what I would call “suitable bachelors” to give my questionnaire to I found plenty.

Also, when I think about my “circle of friends” from college the amount of girls and guys were equal. When I think about my current “circle of friends” the guys outnumber the girls. All educated (in one way or another) suitable Black bachelors. So…

                 

     

2.  They are marrying others.

While I know this is what they want us to believe I read somewhere that the percentage of Black males who marry outside of their race is very low. Now I don’t remember the actual percentage or source for that matter but once again I’m not a journalist so I don’t care to look it up. But that's what I read so I believe it. On top of that I can’t think of any of my married friends who actually married outside of their race. So I decided to throw acquaintances in there I can only think of one. So once again… idk

3. They have so many options they’re not willing to commit.

I’m going to look at the people I know.  In my college circle of friends one of the guys are married and two are engaged meaning they are willing to commit. There are other guys who want to be married or at least be in a serious relationship and guess what; they too can’t “find anyone”! So… there are guys out there who are willing to commit.

4. Black women are too Picky

I’m not really sure how I feel about this one. One question in survey was what do you want in a man and there were a range of answers. I will admit some of the lists were a little lengthy but not all of them were. I think that is true of all nationalities. I’m sure there are plenty of women of other races who have long lists. So I’m going to say this is not something you put off on Black women, it’s based on personality.

So there you have it. Here are my real life examples that debunk the myth that just because I am a Black professional woman I will either be single for the rest of my life or I will be forced to settle. So ladies don’t believe the hype!

Golden

So yesterday we had a “Golden Party” at the house. At this party a group of ladies got together and talked about what inspires us, risks we’ve taken, and our goals for the future. We wrote in our journals, made vision boards, and fellowshipped over food and drink.

Now, I will admit I was a little skeptical at first. Though I love to blog I don’t really like journaling. The thought of the vision board was really unnerving to me seeing as though I’m not completely sure of my goals. Plus, I feel since I’m a teacher I’m expected to be super creative. I’m not. My job forces growth in this area but this is something I have to work at; it in no means comes naturally to me. So I usually don’t like activities as such. I was however extremely excited about being in the company of positive progressive women so I kept an opened mind.

The first activity, lunch, went well of course lol. The next activity was to answer a set of questions in our journals. They were question to be discussed later so it wasn’t actually like a journal entry it was more like taking notes so you’ll know what to say. So far so good.  Next activity, make a web of your goals (crickets). Alright friends, this is where it starts to get a little tricky. The rules were to make circle. Then in the middle of the circle write a goal for example, home. Then draw and arrow outside of the circle and add details. For example, brick, three bedrooms, two baths, hardwood floor. (Sigh) see here’s the problem I’m not that detailed at all. I know I want a house. But do I know what the house looks like? Not at all. So now the party is getting a little frustrating but I’m a team player so I push through. My circle goes something like this.     

Move - MD

New Job- New location

PHD- UMD

House - my own

Swimsuit- bikini

Travel- Int'l

                                         

Not a lot of details I know L but that’s all I got right now so…. Anyhow so the next activity is to make the vision boards. Now I’m really stressed out because how am I going to find pictures of these things?? And you want me to make them look pretty on a board?? I really don’t see this happening but hey, it’s worth a shot. So I’m looking through these magazines and I got nothing! This is where the teacher in me comes out. I can make things work with limited resources; that I am definitely good at! So I made my board and I love it!

I really had a great time with all the ladies. I loved talking about making risks. I loved thinking about what has inspired me thus far. And most of all I loved thinking about my goals. Though my goals are still not completely defined I have them written out all pretty on my beautiful board. Thanks ladies!

Like A Boy

"What if I had a thing on the side? Made you cry? Would the rules change up? Or would they still apply? If I played you like toy? Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy?” And my favorite part “Can’t be getting mad! What you mad? Can’t handle that?”

Now I don’t necessarily care for the lyrics of this song because I don’t equate acting like a boy to cheating or mistreating someone. I have been accused of acting “like a guy” pertaining to relationships. I have never cheated on anyone and I very rarely mistreat people. I can be however, “emotionally unavailable”, so I’ve been told. But that’s not necessarily the case. It just takes me a while to open up. Just because I’m feeling you doesn’t mean I’m all in to you. If we’re just “talking” and we don’t talk everyday so be it. I’m not going to stalk you. If I call you and you don’t respond I’m not calling you back until you call me. And when we do talk I’m not going to be tripping about how you didn’t call. We’re cool.

Most guys say this is what they want. They complain about how females act but they really like it. As a matter of fact when a girl doesn’t act the way they’re expected to men can’t handle it. Which is why “can’t be getting mad! What you mad? Can’t handle that?” is my favorite part of the song. I’ve had guys complain about me not opening up. I’ve had guys tell me that I’m not soft enough. Me not soft, do you know even me? I guess not because I’ve heard guys say they feel like they don’t know me. My favorite was a discussion with a guy I used to date and we spent a lot of time together. I brought up the fact that maybe we spent too much time together. When he felt like he’d been nice to me for an extended length of time he would start being mean. Plus, we both needed “me” time. So his response was, “Well, when you think I’m going to be mean or when you need “me” time just don’t come over.” My response was, “So what about when you need “me” time?” And he said, “You’re the one talking about we spend too much time together. I never said anything me time. I’m cool.” Talk about role reversal. Every guy can’t have that convo. Even though guys often complain about their girl smothering them, if she suggested they spend time apart they would have a fit.

But why? This is what you really want, so you say. So again why can’t you handle it when the girl acts like you? Why is it a problem when she doesn’t call you every day? Why do you care if she doesn’t care if ya’ll hang out all the time? Or if ya’ll decide ya’ll are just dating so she dates other people as well why are you tripping? I just don’t get that one for real. I mean, when a guy says he’s dating, that’s exactly what he’s doing; dating, which includes multiple people. When a girl is dating she’s waiting on the guy to boo her up. This is absolutely ludicrous! Please believe that while you’re out there not calling me, someone else sure is. When you’re out there hanging out, I’m hanging out too. When we’re dating, WE’RE dating. It’s just that simple. I don’t consider that acting like a guy. I consider that reciprocity.

Exposure

The other day I was having dinner at this Thai Sushi place. While I was enjoying my regular, fried rice, this family of about seven walked in. Since I was dining alone and I had nothing better to do I decided to observe the family. There were five kids ranging in ages from about 15 to maybe 4. The first thought that came to mind was these children aren’t going to find anything on the menu they like. The mom and dad, mainly the mom, went through and explained the menu to the children.  The older children chose what they wanted to eat and the mother ordered for the younger children. When the food came out, the mom had all the children try everything on the table and she again explained to them what they were eating.  When she had them try it she would say something like, “You would like this because you like so and so.” You could tell the older children had experience with the food because one, they ordered for themselves and two, if they tried something they didn’t like they didn’t make a fuss. The younger children were the same way. The mom walked them through everything they ate. After they tried something she would ask, “Did you like it?” and they would simply reply yes or no.

So what’s your point Shanel? I know that’s what everyone is asking. Maybe this is the educator in me but I was thinking this is a wonderful illustration of exposure. This is the kind of exposure I was not privy to as a child. I absolutely love Thai food but I wasn’t introduced to it until grad school. Even still I only eat rice and noodles. More specifically fried rice, bangkok fried rice, pad thai, or drunken noodles. The only reason I eat those is because that’s what I’ve experienced.

But this transcend far beyond food. By that simple observation I concluded that those children are very cultured. I imagine they eat all different types of foods, they listen to all different genres of music, they appreciate all different forms of art, and in the greater sense they have respect for people from all different walks of life. Simply because at a young age someone took the time to teach them that there is more to life than hamburgers and french fries. Yes, the food may look, feel, and smell different from what you’re used to but go ahead and try it, you may actually like it. Don’t be afraid of something because it’s “different”.

A lot of people miss out on lesson like this. Which is the primary reason people run out of freshman lit crying when they first experience the writings of Jonathan Kozol. There are people who never leave their neighborhoods. I live roughly 40 minutes outside of the district and I know people from here who have never visited the nation’s capital. How can you ever learn tolerance of others if you never have experience with others? I believe that prejudice is a learned behavior. Intolerance is a vicious cycle that can only be eradicated through education. So friends, step out of your box and try something new. You never know, you just might like it J

Who would I be

Over spring break I had the great pleasure of hosting my parents. Now I use the term hosting very loosely because all I really did was provide them with a place to stay, well and I guess a car. In any case they stayed with me for a week.  During this week I realized a couple of things.

First off I am so much like both of my parents it’s scary. My dad would do something and I would be like OMG I’m just like him! Then my mom would do something and I would be like OMG I’m just like her! I would like to say I hand-picked the best attributes from both parents and metamorphosed into this beautiful mixture of them both. However, some things I witness were good and others bad.  

Secondly, I realized I really miss the option of seeing my parents on a regular basis. My trips home are often hindered by, well… home. So after being there for a significant amount of time I’m ready to leave the place.  Taking the people out of the place showed me how much I really miss them. When I go home I’m always ready to come back. However, I was not ready for them to leave.

The most intriguing thing I realized is that I am extremely independent, but by necessity not by choice. There were several times when I would just automatically do something for myself and my mom would respond, “Goodness Shanel, let us help.” By the end of the week though, I was somewhat helpless. I got used to people doing things for me and I enjoyed it lol.  I wondered how different I would be if I stayed close to home. I mean day one my parents went and bought groceries; mainly because we don’t eat the same foods. But I had every intention of taking them shopping for the things they like and paying for it. But that didn’t happen so…. Next, they paid for everything. We went out to eat everyday (even though I had planned to cook), they paid. Any of the sightseeing things we did, they paid. When we got gas, they paid. They even bought me a new suit and some pumps! I mean it was great let me tell you.

But I started thinking about the whole thing. I know if I still lived in Oklahoma I could stay with them. I wouldn't but my mom has offered. But like even if I stayed by myself how independent would I be? I feel like I would go out to eat with them every Sunday (my mom doesn’t really cook on Sundays anymore). Before going grocery shopping I would check their cabinets first then make my list accordingly. My mom would still buy me clothes from time to time. My dad would help with major issues pertaining to my car. The list just goes on and on.

So would I be independent? How long would this last? I mean I’m 26 going on 27. How long do parents hold on to their “little girls”? Who would I be? People who have known me for a good length of time can attest to how I’ve changed since moving far away.  Most of the changes have been subtle but personality changes no matter how big or small are significant to who we are. I really like who I’ve become but I’ve never considered how I wouldn’t be the same person had I chosen a different path.  I guess there’s no sense in dwelling on questions that will forever remain unanswered. I’m still very intrigued.