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Why dating works for me

I am in this stage of my life where I love dating. It’s so fun for me. I enjoy getting ready, putting on some pumps, a little make-up, and accompanying someone to dinner, the movies, or whatever. Not everyone   enjoys dating but it works for me because I have very little expectations of these guys. I mean they are generally completely random. I may meet them at a restaurant, in a parking lot, through someone else, however we meet they’re practically randoms.  When I go out on a date with a random I’m not looking for him to be the next boo; I’m not sizing him up to see if he’s husband material. I’m going to have a good time.  All I ask is that you can provide me with good conversation for a short amount of time. If it so happens we actually have a connection then great! If not, still great! It’s either lets go out again or keep it moving.

The main reason I have very little expectations from these guys is if I had all these expectations and I was continually disappointed, I would hate dating. Then I would be sad because I had this great thing going and I ruined it by expecting too much from it. Another reason is I have no verbiage for what I really want. I mean I have my list but it’s so short and generic that I’m sure millions of guys could fit the bill. What I want is a “connection” but I don’t really know what that entails. And since I don’t know exactly what I want I don’t get into every situation with my checklist.

Some feel my stance on this topic is rather selfish. I beg to differ. At some point either during or before date 1 I let the guys know where I stand. At this point I’m just dating and going with the flow.  I mean it’s not as though I’m opposed to being in a committed relationship. When I find that “connection” with someone (and they feel the connection too) I will graciously bow out (maybe lol ).

But until then… dating is fun, carefree, stressless, and quite simply dating works for me. I think everyone should try it.

The Mistress

So I am a major proponent of the “Golden Rule”. I absolutely live by it. It’s pretty much core to my moral compass. When I act, I always think how I would feel if someone did that to me. I won’t sit up here and say I’m an angel and I never do anything bad to people because that would be false. However, it’s a conscious decision I make. If/when I do something shady I think about how I would feel if someone did that to me, as well as how I’m going to feel when it comes back around because I believe in karma just as much as I believe in the golden rule.

Ok, so this whole mistress business… I don’t get it. Like, I don’t get it at all. I am so against the concept of being with someone when they’re with someone else. And this is just not pertaining to married men; this is with guys who have girlfriends as well. Silly thing is even though I’m so against it I am presented with the option to be the chick on the side somewhat often. I will say that most time the guys aren’t like, “yeah I got a chick but…” from jump. It’s usually like they start talking to me and somehow I find out and then they’re like, “yeah I got a chick but…”

You see, here’s the deal, being a mistress is beyond belittling to me. I mean in my opinion being the girl on the side is so small. It’s like someone saying you are nothing to them. And I know I may have the tendency to think a little highly of myself. I may think I’m a little better than I actually am. However, what I do know is that I am better and above being a mistress. I deserve and I expect to be the only girl. Please note that I did not say girl number 1 because I’m above that as well. When it comes to men I don’t believe in sharing.

But most importantly, if you really care about me you will see my worth. If we meet and the timing is off and you’re involved with someone else, you have a decision to make. You need to either find a way out of your situation or wait it out because if we’re meant to be it will eventually work itself out in the end. But if I mean so much to you that you need me in your life right then and there in spite of your current situation, you have underestimated my worth. I’m not as important to you as you say I am. Because if you really thought I was that special you would love me the way I deserve to be loved. You would want to give me all of you, not just the portion that’s “available” at this time.

With that being said, ladies please remember if a man wants you to be his chick on the side he doesn’t really love you. And if you so choose to be a mistress you may eventually become the “main girl” but just know someone has replaced your spot as mistress.  And men please remember if you want a girl to be your chick on the side you don’t really love her.  And if you so choose to have a chick on the side please know that one day you too will have to share. 

My Blackberry

As some of you know I recently joined 21^st century with this whole phone business.  Now, I was completely content with my “flip phone,” as Marcel so affectionately called it, but as I saw the end drawing near I decided to put it down before it gave out. So now I have blackberry and I’ll admit I really like it. But we have this love/hate relationship going on.

Why I love my blackberry:

This past weekend I went out of town and I didn’t have to take my computer. I was only going to be gone for a few days so I didn't want to carry around all these extra bags. Then it hit me, everything I needed was in the palm of my hand. How great is that?? I mean I can check my email, get on facebook, and look up pointless information just from my phone. I love the fact I can check my account and make sure it’s ok to buy something I just so happen to see at the store. I also love being able to transfer money into an account if I forget to do it when I’m at home. I love being able to look up the address to a place when I’m on the road from my phone. I really like the fact that I actually use my calendar to keep tract of appointments and such.

Why I hate my blackberry:

It’s so much of a distraction. I mean who needs to check their facebook a million times a day? Not me but since I can, I do. I sit on the couch or in the bed with the computer on my lap and the phone by my side.  You know what else? Eventually it may cause an accident. The moment I hop in my car I get a text message or an IM. There’s some magnet that says “check fb one more time” or “you’re about to go to the store so you should check your account.” And I’m really trying to make a conscious effort to stop texting while driving. I even put my purse in the backseat so I can’t get to the phone. This happens to be a much bigger distraction because I tend to reach back to get it. If I can’t get it with one hand I wait until I’m at a stoplight.  That’s not good at all.

But I mean after being with a smart phone I refuse to go back to a regular one (do they have an official name?).  What is a girl to do??

The thing about love...

Today I’m going to touch on a topic I don’t generally speak on, love. I have a great deal of respect for this thing called love. I hold this emotion in the highest esteem.  My perception of love is what somewhat idealist I will admit. My definition of love comes straight from the I Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This definition right here or ideology so to speak is exactly why I haven’t been in love. I have yet to be with someone who I feel can/will love me this way. This is the type of love I long for, this is the type of love I will so willing offer, therefore this is the type of love I deserve and expect in return. I refuse to give my heart to anyone who is offering less.

But what’s so unfortunate is often times you hear people say you can’t help who you love. I honestly don’t believe this. I feel love is a choice. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t think you just “fall in love”. Basically, I don’t think love just happens. I will say I kinda believe you can’t necessarily help who you like or who you are attracted to. But like/attraction does not equate to love. Love is something that has to be cultivated. Once again it doesn’t just happen.  

I think love is a process that goes something like this:

Step 1: guy/girl like each other

Step 2: guy/girl decide they want to get to know each other

Step 3: guy/girl make a conscious decision to start dating

Step 4: guy/girl make a conscious effort to start spending more time together

Step 5: guy/girl make a conscious effort to get to know each other even better

Step 6:  guy/girl consciously decide they want to become an item

Step 7: guy/girl consciously start spending more and more time together

As couples continue to make steps such as these they are nurturing this emotion we call love. As you see the only step that doesn’t have anyone making a decision is step 1, but all the other steps are your choice. You choose to spend time with people. You choose to get to know someone. You choose to open up and divulge your secrets. You choose to become vulnerable. You choose to let someone see the real you.  You choose to give someone your heart.  Everything leading up to love is your choice.

You don’t fall in love with someone the moment you meet them. You don’t love someone you haven’t spent any time with. After getting to know a person and spending time with them you start to develop affection which in time can turn into love.

Sadly, I think a lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love so after a few encounters with a person they trick themselves into believing they are really in love; which is so not the case. They may genuinely care about the person or even be infatuated, but in love…not so much. Love is not one of the emotions like happiness or sadness that may just come and go on a whim. I believe that love is much deeper.  Now I know I have no authority on this topic.  However, I also know that I have not put myself in situations to where I would just “fall” in love.

You say he's just a friend

Can guys and girls have purely platonic relationships? This is a question I have been confronted with on many occasions. So what do I believe? I think girls and guys can be friends without being attracted to one another. I have many male friends that I am not the least bit attracted. I have several male friends who may be physically attractive but our personality’s clash. I have a lot of male friends, maybe more than most but I don’t want anything from them except for their friendship.


I do understand that when you have a significant other the dynamics of your relationships with persons of the opposite sex have to change. When my male friends have girls I am very conscious of the time I call them at night. I don’t care how great of friends you are calls after mid-night must cease. If we eat dinner together all the time either the number of dinner meetings decrease or she starts attending. When I need something I will call one of my single guy friends first even if you are closer. Do the changes mean we’re no longer friends? Absolutely not. It simply means that we our both doing our part to respect your relationship.

Are there cases where one person just wants to be friends and the other person has ulterior motives? Well of course. I would like to go on a limb and say most people know if their “good friend” wants more. If you don’t know let me help you out. These are the people who don’t respect your relationship. These are the people who get mad at you when you can’t go to the movies with them because you and your girl already have plans. These are the people who get mad when they call and they hear your man’s voice in the background. I wouldn’t really call these people friends I would call them wishful thinkers. They are people who are willing to be your friend with the aspiration of it becoming something more. But does everyone feel this way? No. Everyone from the opposite sex does not want to be with you; if you feel this way please get over yourself. Likewise, if you want to get with everyone from the opposite sex please go get neutered or something.

With that being said, it is really hard for me to grasp why people think this can’t be done. Why can’t girls and guys have platonic relationships? I will admit my friends and me have a unique friendship. “The family”, as I so affectionately call us, has been together since freshman year in college. We are a rather large group of girls and guys and we are just friends. I will confess that throughout our tenure in college a few people may have made out or had short lived flings, but that’s all. After years of being together the attractions died down and beautiful friendships formed. We have been with each other through highs and lows. I know that if I need anything I can call anyone in the family and it’s done.

Naturally, when I have a significant other I want him to accept my family. I don’t even have to say I want my family to accept him because I know they will. Even if they don’t think he’s right for me, he will never know. They will tell me how they feel and allow me to make my decision. If I choose to keep him around they will accept him with open arms. I don’t really know if I can be with someone who doesn’t accept my guy friends because in denying them he will be denying a part of me.

The person who is the “one” for me will be susceptible to the fact that before he came into the picture I had guy friends. He will be sensitive to fact that these guys have been there for me when I needed them. The guy for me, though he may be a little suspect at first, won’t ask me to choose because he will trust me. The guy for me will understand that I am a girl and I have strictly platonic friendships with guys. The guy for me will be confident enough in himself to know that even though all these other guys are in the picture, I chose to be with him.

Musical Cards

Dear Makers of Greeting Cards,

I realize that there has been a recent craze over those little musical cards but umm not everyone is enthralled by them. More specifically, neither I nor my mother are really crazy about them. Seeing as though it is almost Mother’s Day, I need to purchase a card for her. I know you are not aware of this but choosing a card is very important to me. I like to take my time and select cards that are catered to that particular person. I would appreciate the opportunity to surf through a descent amount cards that are neither musical nor humorous.

As I stated earlier, I understand the craze. I know millions of people just love those little musical cards but not everyone does. What you have done is what I like to call taking something overboard. I’m not mad at you. I completely understand, you see even I am guilty of taking things overboard. It’s completely natural. But could you please fix it. I would like to be able to rummage through greeting cards and have a couple to choose from.  Thanks you for your time and consideration pertaining to this matter.

Shanel