Who would I be

Over spring break I had the great pleasure of hosting my parents. Now I use the term hosting very loosely because all I really did was provide them with a place to stay, well and I guess a car. In any case they stayed with me for a week.  During this week I realized a couple of things.

First off I am so much like both of my parents it’s scary. My dad would do something and I would be like OMG I’m just like him! Then my mom would do something and I would be like OMG I’m just like her! I would like to say I hand-picked the best attributes from both parents and metamorphosed into this beautiful mixture of them both. However, some things I witness were good and others bad.  

Secondly, I realized I really miss the option of seeing my parents on a regular basis. My trips home are often hindered by, well… home. So after being there for a significant amount of time I’m ready to leave the place.  Taking the people out of the place showed me how much I really miss them. When I go home I’m always ready to come back. However, I was not ready for them to leave.

The most intriguing thing I realized is that I am extremely independent, but by necessity not by choice. There were several times when I would just automatically do something for myself and my mom would respond, “Goodness Shanel, let us help.” By the end of the week though, I was somewhat helpless. I got used to people doing things for me and I enjoyed it lol.  I wondered how different I would be if I stayed close to home. I mean day one my parents went and bought groceries; mainly because we don’t eat the same foods. But I had every intention of taking them shopping for the things they like and paying for it. But that didn’t happen so…. Next, they paid for everything. We went out to eat everyday (even though I had planned to cook), they paid. Any of the sightseeing things we did, they paid. When we got gas, they paid. They even bought me a new suit and some pumps! I mean it was great let me tell you.

But I started thinking about the whole thing. I know if I still lived in Oklahoma I could stay with them. I wouldn't but my mom has offered. But like even if I stayed by myself how independent would I be? I feel like I would go out to eat with them every Sunday (my mom doesn’t really cook on Sundays anymore). Before going grocery shopping I would check their cabinets first then make my list accordingly. My mom would still buy me clothes from time to time. My dad would help with major issues pertaining to my car. The list just goes on and on.

So would I be independent? How long would this last? I mean I’m 26 going on 27. How long do parents hold on to their “little girls”? Who would I be? People who have known me for a good length of time can attest to how I’ve changed since moving far away.  Most of the changes have been subtle but personality changes no matter how big or small are significant to who we are. I really like who I’ve become but I’ve never considered how I wouldn’t be the same person had I chosen a different path.  I guess there’s no sense in dwelling on questions that will forever remain unanswered. I’m still very intrigued. 

The Soundtrack of our Lives

The wonderful thing about music is it lets us know that others are going through the exact same things we are. When we listen to music we realize our situations aren’t so unique.  There are people who share the same feelings whether they be good or bad. Music lets us know that someone empathizes with us; someone has been there before.

When I listen to Chrisette Michele’s Epiphany I am relieved to know that I am not alone in being a “silly girl”.   It comforts me to listen to Ne-Yo’s Part of the List and know that other people sit and reminisce.  In both  Again  and Another Again John Legend confirms the fact that I am not the only person who tends to linger.  Best for Last By Adele proves that someone else thought they were really something they weren’t. If She Breaks Your Heart by Stevie Wonder by way of The Foreign Exchange affirms that when you walk away and your life doesn’t turn out as planned I don’t have to be there to comfort you.  India Arie’s Testimony:Vol.1, Life & Relationship (the whole album) reassures me that there is life after  disappointment.

The same way music soothes my soul when I’m hurting it also rejuvenates my spirit with the testament of the love that is to come.

Raheem DaVaughn’s Love Drug attests to the fact that someday I will be undoubtedly captivated by someone and the feelings will be reciprocated. In Angel Robin Thicke guarantees that I will be the center of someone’s universe.  Til it Happens by Corinne Bailey Rae readies me for love. Lauryn Hill assists me in the preparation of a carefree type of love in Nothing Even Matters. Listening to Someone by Musiq reaffirms that I will be appreciated simply for who I am. Anthony Hamilton’s The Point of it All is an indication that actions will be made purely out of love.  While Brian McKnight’s Never Felt This Way assures me that I will be all someone needs.

Regardless of the emotion someone somewhere has expressed it through intricate lyrics and has delicately placed them in front a beautifully orchestrated melody. All you have to do is stop and listen… 

Single and Civil

I’ve been so uninspired lately but I felt the need to blog so I asked my friend KP (from NJ not KP from TX) for some help. He suggested that I write about being single yet civil. Seeing as though it is an accurate depiction of the stage in my life I am currently in I thought it was a great idea!

So what does it mean? It’s simple; it means I’m cool with my relationship status. I understand I’m getting older and a lot of people my age are “ready to settle down” but I’m not really sure I’m there yet. I’m taking this time to get to know me. I need to know who I am first. Then I can figure out what I do and don’t want. That’s what dating is doing for me. Just recently, I’ve discovered a whole list of “don’t wants”. And you know, I would have never known I didn’t want it if I hadn’t experienced it.

I have been fortunate enough to have a good number of dates. And I will admit that I have thought about whether or not my feelings on dating would be different if I wasn’t presented with the opportunity to date regularly. But I don’t think so. I think my ideology is one of the reasons guys date me. There’s no pressure for commitment and I’m not desperate. We all know if a girl starts talking long term on the first date dude is a throwin’ deuces (I personally don’t blame him). We also know no one wants to be with a desperate person. People who are desperate themselves don’t want to be coupled with another desperate person. We’ve all had this convo with our “desperate” friend.

“Hey girl, so how was Tim?”

“I mean he’s cool and all, real nice and everything but girl, he’s a little too desperate for me.”

“Really, I thought you two would really be compatible.” Translation (Umm fool, you desperate too!!!)

I digress…. So yeah, I am currently single and civil (doesn’t it have a nice ring to it!) Point of clarification, though I am not searching for him if Mr. Right comes waltzing by I’m not going to send him packing, momma didn’t raise no fool! But while he’s frolicking around I’m going to do the same. I’m enjoying getting to know me. And if I must say so myself, I really like this person I’m getting to know!

Just FYI....

There is something about experimenting in the kitchen and listening to neo soul that completely relaxes me. Truth be told, I don’t think I ever really appreciated Maxwell’s Urban Hang Suite ‘til now.

Here’s the deal, I’ve been stressed for the past couple of days. For whatever reason I am feeling compelled to plan out the next ten or so years of my life. Problem is I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO! I mean I love teaching. But I want to be more than just a teacher. What more you ask? Well shoot, I don’t know! I thought I had an end goal but in my preparation to make steps towards this alleged goal I started feeling unsure of myself. I’ve always known what I wanted to do. I think this is the first time that I really just don’t know where my life is headed. Super scary! Well not that scary because like I said I love teaching so if that’s what I’m going to do for the rest of my life that will be ok. But I’ve never done anything for the “rest of my life”. Starting after elementary we have some type transition every couple of years.  So…I’ve been doing this for three years now so in accordance with life (up to this point) it’s just about time for a transition.

But I’m not going to think about that tonight. I am going to eat this delicious Cajun chicken and shrimp pasta I conjured up, sip a glass of chardonnay, and listen to some soothing music (The Foreign Exchange is currently being played), and enjoy this tranquil mood. 

So for tonight let's just leave it all behind.........

The Conversation

I recently read the book The Conversation by Hill Harper. Let me first say I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don’t generally read relationship book. Actually, I hate books on relationships. Somehow, I get suckered into reading them but I’ve never read one in its entirety until this one. I didn’t realize the book was about relationships until I after I purchased it (yeah, not really sure how I missed that point either). I kept hearing good things about it, and then I ran across it while at an airport one day so I quickly made my purchase. I was reading something else at the time so I just stuffed the book in my bag. I didn’t get it out until I was traveling again. That’s when I realized it was about relationships. I will honestly say I was a little distraught but I didn’t have anything to read so I was like what the heck, let’s give it a go.

Subsequently, I loved it! I'm pretty sure the reason I enjoyed it is because it didn’t give me an answer. It wasn’t like, “here a prescription on finding and keeping a man”. Most relationship books are like do this and don’t do that and blah, blah, blah. But that’s not how life works. The real world doesn’t have a concrete set of rules. And this book explored the concept that people are different and different things work for different people. I really appreciated that.

I loved how I didn’t feel like I was being lectured. I felt like I was listening in on a conversation (no pun intended, that’s really how I felt). My only complaint is I felt like I was listening to a conversation but I couldn’t participate…

Things I Hate

Disclaimer: This post is completely random. I am simply rambling. Most men won’t be able to relate and will think this is completely meaningless. Feel free to stop reading at this point. Ladies, though you will be able to relate you may still feel this read is a waste of time so you may feel free to stop reading at this point as well. For those of you who have nothing better to do….have at it!

Things I hate:

Exercising- I absolutely hate working out. I dread it so much that I start thinking about how much I don’t want to do it at around 2:00pm. I think about how many times I’ve worked out that week already. I think about how many times I’ll be able to work out during the week if I don’t work out that particular day.  I think about what I’ve eaten that day and if it would maybe be ok if I skip this day. All this goes through my head until about 5 or 6 o’ clock when I finally decided to strap on my sneakers and give it a whirl. Or when I decide that today is going to be the day I skip! Yes my friends, I loathe working out.

Shaving- I hate shaving. I am so upset with the man (b/c I know it wasn’t a women) who decided that he likes his women better with less hair. I am even more upset with the woman who decided to try it out. But more than that I’m upset with the man for telling his friends he got his girl to shave who then told their girls to shave and started this awful trend. I mean ya’ll couldn’t just keep it to yourselves?!?!

Waxing- Again I am mad at the person who thought up shaving because I only have to wax because it’s better than shaving! I think to myself every time I get ready to sit in that chair, “now why am I doing this? What kind of idiot subjects themselves to this kind of pain over and over and over?” (sigh)

So why do I do it you ask? Easy, I’m afraid of being a big girl (I don’t have anything against big girls I just don’t think I would be a pretty one).  Therefore I suffer through work out after work out to ensure I stay a comfortable size. I love the way my legs feel when I lotion up after I shave. I also enjoy the feeling of prickle free legs against satin sheets; so I shave. I love how arched eyebrow accent the face and I love how smooth my skin is after a fresh wax; so I endure the pain.

People have said to me, “Girl, Idk why you do all that, you don’t even have a man to appreciate it”. But it’s simple, I do it for me. If I were only doing this for a man as soon as we got “comfortable” I would stop. I wouldn’t be able to keep up the façade because though I’m nice I don’t generally do things for other people that would put me out. Then he would be mad because I wouldn’t be the same girl he tried to get at. We all know how that goes….

Somehow all these things I completely and utterly hate leave me feeling absolutely wonderful after I do them. So I do what I must to look/feel how I want!

Reflection

My trip to The Gambia was absolutely amazing.  It was truly an unforgettable experience. Now it’s time to reflect. The first thing I noticed was how peaceful I felt. Like the moment you arrive it’s like aura of peace is all around you. The people are genuinely nice. When people ask you how you’re doing they really want to know how you’re doing; it’s not just pleasantries.  And, they expect an answer (this took me a minute to get used to).  

The next thing I noticed was how the women carried themselves. They were always dressed from head to toe. We’ve all seen traditional African attire, that’s how most of the women dressed every day. And I’m not just talking about the women in the city, but even the women in the villages. They really cared about their appearance. And not in the prima donna kind of way but in the, I take pride in how I look kind of way. I was truly impressed.

             ***Warning I’m about to get real deep***

So, I am a Christian and I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God is in complete control. I still believe this but this trip made me feel a little differently about the whole concept. When I look at the conditions of The Gambia compared to the States I have questions.  For me to believe that everything that happens is in God’s will means I have to accept the fact that God allowed my ancestors to be ripped from their homes and suffer through the middle passage. The survivors were enslaved, beat, raped, and murdered. Those who just so happened to survived all that had to endure discrimination of all sorts. The list of what my ancestors had to bear goes on and on. But for what?

Did all this really happen so I can live in a developed country and have a surplus of opportunities? Did God know that one day I would be born so he allowed me benefit from other’s suffering? And if the answer to these questions are yes what am I doing? Am I taking full advantage of opportunities afforded to me?  I mean people paid for this with their life. Am I really fulfilling my destiny? I just don’t know, I just really don’t know….